5 Reasons Nigeria hasn’t been invaded by Aliens pt1

The movie world has glorified the whole “alien invasion” thing, with extra-terrestrials and man-made wonders taking it in turns to destroy, or take over the world. So with this happening at least once a year since black and white movies, haven’t you ever wondered why the only times the international movie scene even mentions Nigeria is when there’s some stereotypical war lord (X-men origins) or alien eating weirdo (District 9). But that’s another article all together.

So I took it upon myself to do some research, and I found some astounding developments. The only way to cover it is to use a Lagos expression; “Nigerians Toh Bahd!” Keep reading and find out more:

"Yeah, lets blow shit up! Taking over is easier when you have to rebuild everything anyway, right?"

1- We don’t ask too many questions: If the common cold can kill some of our intergalactic bullies (see War of the Worlds) then I’m sure the cornucopia of car fumes, gen fumes, e.coli, and general array of germs us bad ass Africans have become immune to, are all bound to kick their asses before they can strap on their ray guns or attempt abductions (and why don’t they ever wear any clothes? Is it a fad on their planet or they all just love streaking?). It’s funny how they always choose our most advanced cities to attack. Cracked.com even has a great article explaining how attacking the stronger cities 1st is like punching an assailant in the knife just to show how hard you are. To me that just proves stupidity. But on the contrary attacking Nigeria really wouldn’t be that much better, because unlike the states, the average bike man would be armed and ready to go. There would be no “what’s that sound?” and sneaking in the pitch black room alone with a spatula for protection. Here it would me more like shoot now and find out what you shot later. I mean, if you remember that young lady that took on army men on the road and stood her ground to the point that they had almost stripped her entirely. And yes…they had guns. So I doubt Naija would be flying a helicopter with fancy lights (see Independence Day) to see if they are peaceful or not. It may go something like this: “hmmm what’s that space ship doing there…abeg abeg where are those our missiles sef”.

"I wanted to be lighter and faster but the douche that suggested Lego is getting a whopping"

2- We know how to make do with what we have: So after establishing that we (even the window-wiping kids) are hard, let’s talk about technology. If they wanted to go all skynet style on our “3rd world” asses, like in the Terminator franchise, I’m sure the internet speeds over here may have slowed them down a bit. I mean stealing nuclear codes may prove tasking when downloading a 3MB song takes forever. I mean, yeah we are getting better but all this techno malarkey may be what’s causing all the damned invasions in the 1st place. I heard there’s a cable somewhere that allows transmission of entire DVD-size movies in under a minute…isn’t that great?… But when invasions are concerned, Not so much, I’m sure it took “skynet” a while to get over Glo’s “main one”. While having slow net speeds may be a bummer for us everyday browsers…it’s a beaut for stopping frustrated calculators from putting on meat suits and gunning us down.

"Pesky refugee aliens be eating all me damn cats"

3- If the decision makers don’t see it, why should you?: With the release of (District 9) and the “shrimps”. People feel that alien invasions have finally reached Africa, but I hate to disappoint. That wasn’t actually an invasion movie. It figures that refugees from some downtrodden alien nation would be the 1st to breach Africa with extraterrestrial life (well, a few Government officials are questionable but according to TV doctrine, the “Shrimps” were the 1st). This just goes to show that Africa is too much, even the directors and producers couldn’t see a war of the worlds type attack happening and agreed to green light the bums of the universe coming over as it was the only plausible scenario. Ok, so in the movie Nigerians were leading all the negativity (eating aliens for power? Yeah, that’s why their dumb asses were in the slums of SA. Doushe bags would have been tyred and burnt if they tried that shit in the open here in Lag or PH sef).

"Dude, I dont think this is the way to Cedi Plaza"

So yeah, the smart decision makers in the big budget movie world don’t see an invasion in Omole Estate working out, so they must have some sense.

Alright, Y’all know there’s so much more to come so let me not kill y’all with words in one go. Tune in next time for Pt2 and the last few reasons, but until then keep an eye out for flying saucers.

Jite.

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One Response to 5 Reasons Nigeria hasn’t been invaded by Aliens pt1

  1. Lola MO says:

    Love it!

    These are also the same reasons there are no End of the World (Day after Tomorrow), Mass Viral Epidemic (urmm would anyone notice the difference), Vampire & Zombie (Night of the Living Dead, 28 days or better yet 30 days of darkness type movies, we manage without nepa anyway)

    Africans just don’t have patience to ask questions before they shoot or run, we already see horror movies every day with the acting & editing in our home videos! Some women on the road already look like vampires or aliens with their bad makeup & lash fixings.. God help us. Heheh

    Great site guys, keep it up. Xx

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