Hi again people, sorry to keep you hanging all this time but I’m sure no one wants to sit around reading about alien invasions all day (well, I kinda do). So after last time when we established that:
1- We don’t ask too many questions
2- We know how to make do with what we have
3- If the decision makers don’t see it why should you?
So now let’s get on with it.
4- Our landmarks ain’t that cool: “Here’s an idea, let’s invade this Earth planet (for whatever reason the big wigs think make just enough sense to pass) and then to start, we should head for the capitals and landmarks” says the alien commander in whatever weird alien voice comes to mind for you. But here’s my question to this logic, why do they go straight for the landmarks? It’s always the Eiffel Tower, Statue of Liberty, Pyramids and Big Ben that get their ass handed to them 1st; they even go and hover over the Great Wall of China. Really? Do you know how long that wall is? It’s so long that it is one of the only land marks you can see from space. Now with it being that long, what the heck are the aliens doing in the middle of nowhere? Sightseeing?… So that’s beside the point, I’m just sure they haven’t invaded
because we don’t have a “wonder of the world” here in Nigeria. I guess blowing up the National theater or Zuma Rock may not be as exciting to them or whatever. But I can’t stress how important having a major landmark is for invasions in blockbuster movies, so our landmark unpopularity may have saved our hypothetical lives for many years.
5- Our movie names may not be as fantastic: Now this is the most important reason there is. Without a catchy movie name, how in heaven’s name could the popular kids tweet about it, Facebook it and spend entire lunch times talking about how they will go to Silverbird Cinemas in the weekend? Not to mention bug their friends and loved ones to take them to their nearest multiplex (If it reaches the big screen that is). So I decided to do some research and got some great minds together (Cross, Dapper Dutch and the Puffmiester) and we great thinkers tried to see what kinds of blockbuster movie names with Nigerian twists we could come up with. Then after that, I’ll leave y’all to decide if we should have an invasion movie. Here are our favorites:
– Osofia in Jo’burg
– Coming to Akwa-ibom
– The Book of Ifiayi – Exile to Benin
– The Fifth Fufu Element
– Resident Juju
– Kung Fu Poundy
– Amala: the last Ewedu Soup
– Willow – the return of Aki and Paw Paw
– CSI: Abuloma
– Renegade Urohbo Ninja
– Yahoo Assassins
– Empress Strikes Back – the left handed slap
We did come up with a lot worse, but I shall have mercy on your sensibilities and call it quits. But with these you see what I mean, can you imagine Tom cruise signing up for any of those names? Not to mention Will Smith kitting up in a jumpsuit to go against Empress Njamah.
(although I do want to see a Naija Willow remake though, now the idea is out there you can tell the world you read it on Th3rd Culture 1st). But upon thinking further, I’m sure the aliens would be offended with what we would end up calling the movie and invade just to stop it from being released.
So with this, we now all understand why Nigeria doesn’t come up too much in the whole Invasion thing and we can finally sleep better at night knowing that if aliens did invade, we in Naija would be aiit. Well, for some time anyway.