(Disclaimer: Lots of dirty words to come, please be advised.)
I spent a week e-mailing with this girl I know, because she didn’t want me to write about her situation. Finally she relented and gave me the okay after I told her it would not be judgmental at all.
This young lady is in a normal situation; she likes a guy who has a girlfriend. Her question was “Would it be right to try and talk to him anyway”? Why the hell not? This notion of “a good man is hard to find” will never go away because women will always get tangled up with incompatible men. If you find a guy who has everything you’re looking for and the only thing standing in the way is another chick, fuck her (not literally though, but if that’s your thing…do that too).
I know, I know… karma, morals, he cheated on her he’ll do the same thing to you blah blah blah. You know who says that? Scared bitches.. It’s survival of the fittest: if his girl isn’t strong enough to keep a hold on him, then that’s her fault. We’re not talking about adultery; we’re talking about Boyfriend/Girlfriend. Those titles are only as strong as you make them, and if homie wants to stray then obviously he wasn’t in love. Does leaving her to be with you make him a bad man? Not necessarily. I treated some exes like shit, I treated some like queens. One person’s “bad man” can always turn into someone’s “Mr. Perfect”; it just takes the right woman to make him act right.
If you don’t have the heart to take another girl’s boyfriend, cool — STOP READING NOW… I mean it; this will only offend your sense of moral decency. If you’re a fucking Spartan and you have no problem kicking a bitch in the chest then watching her fall into a pit, then do go on!
When you meet Mr. Right and it’s revealed that he has a chick, you don’t shy away from that. You embrace it. The last thing you want to be is a side chick, ask about her, how they met, where they go on dates…. talking to a guy with a chick is market research. The purpose is NOT to fuck a guy with a girlfriend — that’s hoe shit (see Season 1 of The Tudors). Your job is to evaluate the guy with a girlfriend to see if he’s the right man for you, then erase her from his life.
– Two Weeks Notice: This isn’t a guy who works at Burger King, but is trying to get a job at the Post Office. He’s not allowed to keep his old job while applying for his new one. If he’s serious about getting with you, she has to go. A man will not want to leave his “sure thing” for a girl who he hasn’t even sampled yet. That’s his problem. If he wants to continue the sexting, dates, and get sex down the line then he has to make that hard decision. Give him a deadline. Not only does he have to break it off with his wifey, HE MUST tell her the reason why.
This may sound unnecessarily mean, but understand this: We will fuck our ex girlfriends. That’s just what we do. If you make him tell her from the jump, “It’s over because I met someone else” that’s devastating. Unless she’s the dumbest girl on the planet, she will never give him the ass again. You made him look like a jerk, but at the same time you made it damn near impossible for him to two-time you with his old chick.
– Her Pussy is a Honda. Your Pussy Is a Maserati: “Pussy Whipping” is alive and well, and if he’s chasing your tail, she’s failed at putting that pussy on him.
Tease him like you would do any guy you were seeing, but with a wifed-up guy you have to be extra seductive, because like the old Junior Mafia skit said “That nigga getting pussy on a regular basis”. You have to sell yourself like your vagina could cure cancer. Lust is a powerful weapon; it’s the Numero Uno reason men cheat. But don’t be like those cliché women on TV who fuck with married men and say dumb things like, “He said he would leave her for me”. DON’T HAVE SEX WITH HIM UNTIL HE’S YOUR MAN. Talk nasty, that’s how you hook a man. But at the same time you’re not scouting for sex, you’re scouting for a relationship, so keep the physical activity limited to 2nd base. You have to show him that not only can you make him bust in less than 60 seconds, you can ALSO keep him interested in your conversation. The mouth is greater than the ass, meaning that the things you say have a bigger impact than anything you can do in the bed. For him to say, “She never understood me like you do” is a straight checkmate.
– Make Sure Your Friends Have Your Back:Girls are influenced by their besties; they listen to their friends and care about how they’re perceived.
For the girl who e-mailed me, her biggest fear wasn’t taking the guy. It was what her friends would think about her doing it. You’re doing something very unpopular. No matter how cute this dude is or how nice he is, he’s cheating. There may not be sex involved at this stage, but to start talking to a man while he is involved with another girl is frowned upon. Your friends will guilt you, but you have to be strong. They’ll spew some bullshit about how there is someone out there for everyone and you should wait for a single man… That “Disney Princess” mindset is the reason they’re single. Remember you’re a fucking Spartan: those girls are your soldiers! They may not agree with the mission, but they owe it to you to be supportive of the campaign. When your “Pirated” boo comes over to chill, you don’t want them judging him; they don’t have to like it, but they must respect it.
– Playing With House Money: Say you meet a guy and he’s involved, but you don’t know how to proceed; how do you initiate something like this? What’s my favorite word besides “bitch”? Confidence! This guy is taken, if you get rejected that’s okay because he should reject you — he has a woman he loves (or likes a lot). Your job is to not take it seriously, look at it as a game and you’re the underdog. You’ve got nothing to lose, so step out of character and use your wit to pull him.
Guy: Um, I actually have a girl.
Girl: Is she here?
Girl: Damn! I would have loved to show her how a real woman handles her boyfriend.
Guy: You’re a trip.
Girl: Why don’t you take my number, and call me after you have sex with her tonight. We can count the seconds it takes for me to get you back up.
(That was a real convo I once had, BTW)
You’re putting on a show. You’re Heath Ledger in “The Dark Knight”: this shit will make you a legend in his mind! If you come off that aggressive, witty, and nasty he WILL call you. And once he calls you, you know it’s a wrap for her, because SHE IS NO MATCH FOR YOU.
You’ll have to let him be sneaky for the first two weeks or so, but remember you’re not a side chick; you’re going to become the main chick, but like any relationship you don’t want to rush into it. Once you’re sure he’s right for you and want to take it to the next level, then you give him the ultimatum that it’s either you or her.. You already know their bond is weak off the strength that he’s calling you on his lunch break instead of her. Once you win him over mentally, having him break that poor girl’s heart is the easy part. It’s a hostile takeover and there WILL be victims, but at the end of the day if you have a chance to own Netflix why would you continue to work at Blockbusters?
The only rule is “Don’t go after your friend’s man!” other than that, all men are fair game; if you want someone you go after them! You think men respect the fact that you have a boyfriend? Fuck no! We see that as the ultimate challenge. There is no reason women can’t use this same method when on the hunt for love. If a guy is in a relationship then (in most cases) he isn’t afraid of commitment and he knows how to cater to a female — it’s like shopping for a house when furniture’s already in place, it’s much easier.
You’re not going to go to hell, you’re not going to get seven years bad luck, the worst that can happen is that a younger, sexier version of you pulls this same trick and takes your man. But that can happen in any relationship and I’m not talking about keeping a man, I’m talking about going for what you want. If you feel too guilty to even consider this, you’re hard headed — I told your ass to stop reading a long time ago.
In closing, you are better than his girlfriend. Your heart pumps Cheetah Blood built from Athena DNA, and there is no man who you can’t take! That’s what you have to believe in order for this to work. And when some baggy-eyed girl who looks like she’s been crying for the past two months shows up at your job calling you a home wrecker (and trust me, she WILL), you look her dry-coochie-having, weak-head-giving, constantly-complaining-ass dead in the eye and say, “You’re welcome. Because if it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else”.