DECONSTRUCTING ALFIE – She never had you at “Hello”

She never had you at “Hello”, She had you at deception…

Another rant about women? Yes please. I’ve not recently been dumped or been done wrong by any woman or anything like that; I just have a lot of time on my hands and a lot on my chest. “So, what now?” I hear you ask. Well let me begin. “I love girls, girls, girls, girls, girls, I do adore”. I thought I’d start with a Jigga lyric.

"I'd love girls too if I were him"

No, I really do adore women. I see beautiful women constantly: all over Newcastle, all over England and all over the world. I’ve seen them! However, I can’t help but feel hoodwinked 8/10 times (ok, let me be a bit generous and say 6/10 times). When you see a beautiful/ pretty/ sexy woman, what are you really seeing? Better yet, what is your penis seeing, or for lesbians, what is your pussy seeing? I sometimes feel our genitals blind us while observing attractive women; we rarely see past the deception stamped all over their bodies. From their hair, to their make up to their fake tan, to their fake boobs, to their fake nails, to their jeans deceiving us that she has a perky juicy ass when she really has custard filled balloons in those jeans. It’s everything, really (In fact let’s increase that number to 7/10). Women wear butt pads, for the love of God, so please don’t tell me deception isn’t rife!

"What? I really am a nice girl..."

To be honest all that deception doesn’t really faze me, because as I said, I loveeeeee women. It’s quite the trip to see so many sides to one woman. I mean, just imagine all the scenarios: on her way to work she could be all sexily/unattractively corporate, but seeing her in the frozen foods section at Waitrose will yield a completely different (good or bad) reaction. What about on a night out? I swear this has to be the ultimate deception! Some women look better on a night out raving, than they would on their own wedding day. You could see a woman on a night out, and be turned on for hours; see her with her hair all did, make-up done to perfection, in a tight dress that makes her boobs look like they’re screaming “TOUCH ME, SQUEEZE ME!”, her ass looking juicy enough to grab and her heels giving her that perfect height. Then comes Saturday morning, and she’s walking around in her T-shirt and sweats, looking like she just swam the English Channel. And you’re sat there, asking yourself “Who the FUCK is this??!?”, while mass amounts of weave adorn your sheets and your clothes are almost entirely caked in foundation.

That’s the shit I’m talking about; admittedly, it’s a lot for us guys to handle at times. I mean, some women come like a Street Fighter character, different enhancements and all, EVERY time. As I previously said, I love women regardless, but could those of you not blessed with natural beauty PLEASE go easy on the level 10 “Prestige” deception tactics? Pretty please? That’d be greatly appreciated.

But hey, “I love girls, girls, girls, girls, girls, I do adore”.



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One Response to DECONSTRUCTING ALFIE – She never had you at “Hello”

  1. jay says:

    Wow! you sure sound like a very disappointed young man. So,…what exactly happened over the weekend? How was your friday night, saturday morning?
    Yes, we know you said you love girls, girls, girls, girls, girls, you do adore adore…but really? Do you? Sound very bitter. Besides, have you ever thought that maybe you are actually attracted to all that facade you say we female imbibe in? Dude, it happens. Us women are also victims of the very same charade you men do. So I’ll call it even. (Laughing out loud) my brother, its part of life. Stop complaining and enjoy it. Move on to the next set of girls, girls, girls, girls, girls, you do adore…

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