Tips for surviving the zombie apocalypse PART 1
Been thinking to myself with the recent end of the world prediction, “what would actually happen if the world ended on May 21st”…now this brings up the question, what type of world end are we talking about? Nuclear holocaust? Viral infection? Alien invasion? Supernatural end of days? Or zombie apocalypse?
So I prepared a list of tips for surviving the most likely of these end of the world scenarios, zombie apocalypse or as I like to call it, “WORLD
For those of you unfamiliar with the term “zombie”, here’s a
quick definition… zombie: the body of a dead person given life by unnatural force. They are usually mute, will-less and infectious, feed on human flesh and react to their basic raw and violent instinct. In a nut shell you do not wanna mess with these guys.
Lucky for you, you happen to be friends with the zombie apocalypse go-to guy. So here are some tips for surviving if the end of the world…
#10. LEAVE THE FAT FRIEND BEHIND.
This is the END OF THE WORLD. Who cares if you lose a few friends along the way? There’s no Facebook anymore, so it doesn’t matter if there’s no one around to poke you.
Judge your friends’ individual credentials and decide which of them will be best suited to accompanying you on the long road ahead, and then gently but firmly request that the others stay behind.
Put the burly athletic guy at the front, the scrawny academic at the back and the good looking girl who you never had a chance with until now right by your side, in preparation for the moment when you dramatically rescue her from an attacking brain-muncher. Leave the fat kid behind. Unless you ARE the fat kid, in which case, repeatedly inform them that you are absolutely integral to their survival and convince them to form a human shield around you and your flabby behind.
#9. CHOOSE YOUR WEAPONS WISELY
Here’s where all those hours on call-of-duty and resident evil pay off… (and mother said no good would come from video games). Ok, not all weapons work for all zombies, and the trendiest zombie-fighting armaments aren’t always the best so avoid bulky hard to carry weapons. When in doubt, melee weapons are a fine tool against the undead so think twice before picking up that giant hammer. I advise you invest in a machete, which is cheap, lightweight, and neatly separates a zombie’s head from its bodies. As for ranged weapons, you may want to reconsider a sawed-off shotgun. The bolt action rifles are both powerful and accurate, without the ammunition restrictions of the close-range shotgun.
#8. DON’T BE A HERO
If you’re going to ignore this rule (let’s face it, you are) and try to go all Rambo on the hordes of undead, then at least make sure you have an attractive female watching you do so. What’s the point in being a homicidal maniac if it doesn’t directly result in sex? You’ve seen Zombieland by now, right? Do you think Jesse Eisenberg would’ve gone toe-to-toe with that zombie clown if Emma Stone wasn’t waiting for him on the other side? Of course not.
Hack ‘n’ slash all you want as long as you wind up in bed with a Megan Fox lookalike. If my childhood spent slumped in front of my Super Nintendo taught me anything, it’s that the best looking girls always need rescuing. Just hope that your damsel in distress puts out more than Princess Peach did. Poor blue balled Mario.
#7. SUIT UP (said in my Barney Stinston voice)
Stay prepared, you don’t wanna be fighting zombies in your boxer shorts. The best way to prepare for the day the dead rise from their graves is to assemble the perfect zombie-fighting attire. Avoid brain spray-back by wearing goggles, thick leather jackets can provide some protection from potentially lethal bites.
Under no circumstance do you try to survive world war Z naked.
#6. REMOVE THE HEAD AND DESTROY THE BRAIN
This is the most important tip that you can follow right here and the end of the 1st list. It’s important to remove the head or destroy the brain if you don’t want your attackers to get back up again. A gunshot, spear, pick axe or sledge hammer to the chest may slow a zombie down, but will not eliminate it as a threat. Any moron knows this. If you have a firearm, aim for the head or base of the skull. If you don’t have gun this task will be far more gruesome, I mean its gonna be some sick shit. Probably mess you up for the rest of life (bright side being that you’re in the zombie apocalypse so the rest of your life might not be that much longer). Do whatever you have to do to destroy the brain. It’s the only way to be sure a zombie doesn’t get back up….
Remember the zombified masses are tireless, feel no pain, and greatly outnumber the remaining healthy human beings. In the event of world war Z these tips should give you a leg up on the flesh eaters. Remember to be creative, pack light and move fast.
Good luck to all of you.