DECONSRTUCTING ALFIE – 5 Things I can’t do with my boys (besides the obvious)

When hanging out with my boys, there always comes a moment where to a casual outsider, our buddy-buddy camaraderie can be mistaken for something it isn’t. I should say here, I have no issues with gay people, I just have an issue with being mislabeled as gay, and that’s only because I’m not. These days, a lot of women are very cautious of male bonds because of the down low behavior that runs ramped in our society, so I always am somewhat aware of the impressions I give off to the opposite sex.

This is not to say I’m some extroverted, chauvinistic pig beating his chest at an establishment, talking about “I AM MAN. HEAR ME ROAR!” This is just to say, when me and my cousin go get a bite to eat, and he orders the apple pie because he has a “sweet tooth” (his words not mine), I must speak up. And yes, this actually happened to me a while ago.

“Man, c’mon,” I told my cousin. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Man, what?” he asked rhetorically. “This is what I want!”

“You can’t order dessert with a dude,” I protested. “Everyone knows that!”

“Whatever man,” he turned to the waitress. “Get me the apple pie.”

I said no more. The last thing I wanted to do is perpetuate the possibility that we were together together by arguing like we were together. But that’s just one example.

Below, five things I can’t do with my boy besides the obvious.


My laptop has a webcam. I use it to chat with friends and family; people far away, but I know I won’t ever use it to chat with one of my boys. Video chat is mad intimate. I could tell from the first time I tried out my camera and saw my own face staring right back at me from the computer screen. The more I looked at me the more I felt like I was getting into a relationship with myself. This wasn’t like a reflection, this was something entirely different; quiet, private, the glow from the screen made me look like I was sitting in a room full of lit candles. Like I said, mad intimate.

Can't you just see how uncomfortable they both look


I may have written about this before, but I can never say it enough. Every man has some “romantic” or soft song they enjoy; it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Like for instance, “I Invented Sex” by Trey Songz? That’s a great song. I sing along to it when I’m by myself. But you know what I don’t do? Sing along with it with my boy and tell him to take Drake’s part, and I have Trey Songz’s part. Also, for the record, the song doesn’t need to be slow to be off limits. “Hard” by Rihanna is a perfect example of this: Masculine title, upbeat production, replete with a verse by Jeezy. It’s ideal workout music, but again, with my boy, the song is getting skipped.

Even the CD covers need to emphasize the female importance.


I cannot call my boy up and say, “Hey, what are you doing today? Want to hit up some stores?” No. He doesn’t. I would sooner go pregnancy test shopping with a one-night stand than I would go try on some clothes with my boy. The only time this is ever acceptable is if we’re on our way somewhere else and my boy says to me, “Hey, I need to check something out in this store real quick.” Oh, and sneaker shopping. Actually, sneaker shopping is encouraged to be a man-only event.

Need I say more?


Whenever I’m at the club, I always notice a lot of men roll to the bathroom together just like another group of people known as girls. Now, I understand maybe they want to take a break from the noise and need to conversate (one day that word will get in the dictionary) about this girl and that girl, but personally, I try to stay away from such pow-wowing. When I go to the bathroom, it’s to use the bathroom and grab a couple of mints from the bathroom attendant. It is not to ask my boy, “How’s it looking out there?”

There are just some things that need to be done alone


Back to the situation with my cousin and his ordering the apple pie right in front of me. I’d like to add a couple more rules to the rulebook of dining one-on-one with one of your boys. Here they are:

Steakhouses, Italian Restaurants Only: If The Sopranos has taught us anything, its that men can sit down together and enjoy a hardy Italian meal together without looking like they’re about to go have a tickle fight afterward. With regards to steakhouses, every one I have ever been to looks like it was designed for a man by a man; they have a rustic charm to them and I can appreciate that.

Unless it’s Business, Sit at the Bar or Counter: If it’s just to meet up as friends to enjoy a good meal, always take the bar or the counter and mix it up with those around you two. Half of male bonding is bonding with other people who you never met before.

Try to Sit In The Section Where The Fine Waitress is Working: And when you do, flirt with her, try to get her number, bet each other who can get her number first. You know, the typical man stuff.

Before I close out, a question I want to answered by my female readers in the comments. Do women have this same particular issue? I’d love to see a list of things two females can’t or won’t do with each other (besides the obvious). Put me on to game. And to the male readers out there, feel free to add to the list I started.



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